This text comprises words used for the feminine reproductive system and graphic descriptions.

I actually have never broken a bone, I don’t know what it looks like to get punched within the face and growing up in a bungalow means I haven’t taken a tumble down a flight of stairs. I actually have nonetheless taken a cricket ball to the top, been hit by a automotive and had an informal double mastectomy.

I’ve heard that the mind and body forgets pain, which should be true because each time I get a recent tattoo I feel, ‘I DON’T REMEMBER THIS PAIN.’ It also should be true because people give birth to whole recent human beings, shit themselves, tear things in the method, after which resolve to do it again two years later.

On a Wednesday night a number of months ago I had the primary smear test of my life; will I forget the pain in three years time when the following one is due?

Every Wednesday evening from 5pm onwards, trans and non-binary people can go to 56 Dean Street, London, for all their sexual health needs. CliniQ has been running since 2012 and is an inclusionary space for trans people in addition to their partners and friends, founded by Graham Reed, Michelle Ross and Milo. CliniQ offers monitoring blood tests, STD tests, HIV rapid testing, PeP- emergency HIV medication, help with injections, counselling, housing support with Stonewall, assault and hate crime support with Galop. There may be even yoga and acupuncture! They really do all of it.  

This glorious place is where I went for my smear test. Yes, I could have gone to my GP, but I wasn’t really within the mood for being the primary man-with-a-cervix that the nurse had come across. Educating as you go may be quite exhausting. Truthfully, I used to be petrified. This is just not a component of my body that I actually have relationship with. Nothing is allowed up there, and hasn’t been for a very long time.

The one that administered the test was a senior nurse, they were incredibly caring and friendly. This didn’t change the proven fact that it was a harrowing experience, it was extremely painful each physically and mentally. It appeared to last eternally. I squirmed, sweated and screamed my way through it, squeezing the life out of one other nurse’s hand.

I had been accompanied on this mission by two friends, trans siblings who stepped up, responding to my Facebook status requesting back up. One among them said it wouldn’t hurt, the opposite said it might hurt but wouldn’t be too bad. So then why did I actually have such an excruciating experience?

In case you have not already gathered, I’m a trans man. In case you don’t know what considered one of them is, give it a Google. I actually have been on testosterone for nearly three years. About two years ago I began getting pains, once in a while, that were very just like the period pains I used to get. These recent, but familiar, pains were getting worse and more frequent as time passed. I actually have spoken to other trans individuals who have the identical pains, and never them, nor their GPs, had a reason for it. I spoke to 1 friend who has the pain just about consistently – what fresh hell is that this!

The reply is atrophic vaginitis, or, vaginal atrophy; a reputation that makes me cringe and clench my thighs together. Symptoms include: dryness, inflamed vaginal partitions, pain after orgasm and pain during penetration. Mostly just pain then. Hence why my smear test was so painful. It is a quite common experience for people going through menopause. After I first began hormones I remember chatting with my mum and bonding over hot flushes and night sweats. This trans business may be so surreal.

What’s the treatment for this awfully named condition? Apparently there may be a topical hormone cream, and a hormone pill that doesn’t affect the remaining of your hormone levels. Each of which you gotta shove up there, yeah right.

An alternative choice is a hysterectomy. Gender identity clinics suggest considering a hysterectomy after two years on hormones due to increased probability of cervical cancer. Unfortunately this routine operation is just available for trans people after an extended wait, because it is seen as non-urgent. The NHS doesn’t have the funding to cater for the growing numbers of trans and non-binary people looking for medical intervention, hell, they don’t even have the funding to properly train GPs on how you can seek advice from and treat a trans person.

I imagine we’d all be higher at coping with the pain if it wasn’t so rattling triggering. Before I transitioned, periods were an enormous problem for me. They forced me to have interaction with being female, made me feel like utter shite and customarily made me feel extra dysphoric (something I only understand with the ability of retrospect). So now, to be experiencing pains that surpass all that I actually have had before, fearing that blood will trickle out of me at any moment, I’m stuck. I’m stuck and I’m frustrated.

For probably the most part, transitioning is exciting, empowering and customarily a relief. But it could possibly even be really fucking hard. The onslaught of the binary never slows. The dysphoria is like being haunted. My self-awareness is off the charts. Like all the things, it takes work.

So where does that leave us? In a little bit of a shit position to be honest. But perhaps having the ability to name the pain will help. I find myself falling back on age-old period pain tricks; hot water bottle, paracetamol and forcing my sleeping partner to rub my back within the night. There may be little we will do to hurry up the hysto-train but as a substitute we must practise self-care, look out for one another and keep talking about it! Don’t let it construct into the monster it doesn’t should be.

In case you haven’t had a smear test and know you’re due one, please go to CliniQ. In case you aren’t based in London then your Gender Identity Clinic may have the option to assist, and failing that, arm yourself with as much printed out information as you’ll be able to and head to your nurse. (Top Tip: Ask them to make use of a smaller sized speculum and lots of lube!) CliniQ are also capable of offer links to NHS information that your GP cannot ignore.

Getting a smear test may be tough and shit, but now we have to recollect, it could save your life.

Elijah W Harris is an actor and author, based in London. Photos by @heavenlytiger and @tallulah_haddon