Gaslighting is the Merriam-Webster 2022 word of the yr. In accordance with Semrush, Americans also type the word into serps around 550,000 times a month. In the event you’re a social media user, you almost certainly see the gaslighting flying off the handle in your news feed too. Because it’s such a preferred topic, now could also be a great time to make clear what exactly gaslighting is, what it looks like, and the way to take care of it. 

What’s Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a type of psychological manipulation and abuse with the intent to regulate an end result, says Dr. Ajita M. Robinson, a licensed clinical skilled counselor who makes a speciality of grief and trauma positioned in Bethesda, MD. The end result the gaslighter could also be trying to regulate could possibly be one other individual’s behavior, perception, or sense of reality,” she tells ESSENCE. 

“The control aspect of it doesn’t must be malicious, but there’s, at its core, a control element to gaslighting,” says Robinson. 

FYI, the term is comparatively recent and stems from the 1938 British thriller play Gas Light written by Patrick Hamilton. It’s a few husband nearly driving his wife to insanity by doing among the things mentioned in the following section.  

What Are Signs of Gaslighting? 

On the core of gaslighting is a state of questioning your reality. Some common signs you might be experiencing gaslighting include: 

-Your feelings are dismissed and met with a scarcity of sensitivity 

-You’re always being told your perception is unsuitable 

-You’re lied to about things you might have proof of 

-You don’t have space to talk during conflicts

-Once you try to handle a difficulty, the topic is modified or avoided 

You start questioning your reality 

Dr. Ebony Butler, a licensed psychologist based in Austin, Texas, provides an example of gaslighting using an instance of somebody minimizing your feelings after you address a difficulty. They might say things like, “you’re too sensitive” or “you’re taking it the unsuitable way”, Butler says. 

“Mainly, [they] manipulate you into pondering that your boundaries don’t make sense or that you simply don’t make sense for saying something bothers you.”

Gaslighting can even occur at work too. It could appear like another person taking credit to your work, always knocking your ideas down, questioning your recollection of events, or spreading lies about you. In accordance with Robinson, gaslighting by a boss or superior at work will be extremely damaging and harmful due to the ability dynamic. 

Effects of Gaslighting 

Over time, gaslighting can seriously affect your mental health and well-being. It could lead on to depression, anxiety, isolation, and trauma. The results of gaslighting will be much more damaging when there’s an uneven power dynamic, and the abuser refuses to acknowledge it exists, says Robinson. 

“Those are those that I find to be most concerning that usually find yourself in therapy or that we ultimately see escalate to domestic violence,” she tells Essence.

Gaslighting can even affect your self-confidence or self-esteem if you begin internalizing the messaging of the gaslighter. 

“In the event you’re always being told that what you think that is going on isn’t real or that your feelings aren’t valid, over time you start to internalize those messages, especially if it’s coming from someone you might have some love of respect for since you’re wanting to be kinda closer to that person and also you value what they’re saying, even when it’s not true,” says Robinson.

Why Do People Gaslight? 

In the event you take a look at gaslighting through social media’s lenses, you’ll be convinced that there are a bunch of bad individuals who gaslight. Nevertheless, it is a polarizing way of taking a look at it. 

Butler says with social media popularizing topics like gaslighting, there’s an emerging theme of finger-pointing and everybody pondering they’re incapable of doing it. 

“It’s just the identical with narcissism, right?” she says. “Everybody’s like, Oh, that’s you, not understanding that all of us carry traits with every little thing on a regular basis, depending on the situation and context.”

She continues, “Given the context and pressure of [the] situation, we’re more likely to show up in any given way. We are going to likely use coping skills we might not be pleased with.”

The fact is that anyone will be guilty of gaslighting someone, and as Robinson stated earlier, the person gaslighting doesn’t at all times have malicious intent. Us humans are nuanced, which implies we must always leave room for duality. We will have bad behaviors, but that doesn’t at all times mean we’re bad people.  

So, why do people gaslight? Oftentimes people gaslight because they don’t have the tools or self-awareness needed to take care of confrontation. So, as a substitute of accepting, acknowledging, and validating the opposite person, they deflect, deny, or minimize in response to feeling ashamed or vulnerable. 

In accordance with Robinson, people may additionally gaslight as a technique to consciously or subconsciously avoid accountability. 

“I don’t think people like being accountable or called on the carpet for his or her stuff,” she tells ESSENCE. “And after they don’t have the coping skills to take care of feeling responsible or guilty or needing to apologize, they deflect and switch it back on the person.” 

Robinson also explains that gaslighting allows people to feel protected or maintain control after they think they is perhaps abandoned. This fear of abandonment could have much to do with an insecure attachment style.  

Sometimes, it could possibly be since the person gaslighting you doesn’t see the world from the identical perspective. 

Learn how to Protect Yourself 

Coping with gaslighting will be frustrating, hurtful, and sometimes intimidating. To guard yourself from long-term effects, you might need to set boundaries and find protected outlets to vent.

Robinson says setting boundaries around access and communication are ways to guard yourself. When it comes to access, it could appear like limiting the time you spend with the person to avoid situations where gaslighting occurs. 

“Possibly we reduce access to ‘I’ll drop the grandkids off and I’ll stay so long as there’s one other member of the family there’ or ‘I’ll do groups, but I won’t do individual because that’s when those situations occur.’”

Regarding communication, you’ll be able to let the person gaslighting you understand that you simply won’t engage in certain conversations and what the consequence shall be in the event that they don’t respect your boundary. 

Finding protected spaces where you’ll be able to share what you’re experiencing will also be a helpful tactic to guard yourself from gaslighting. 

“I believe for our self, it’s necessary that we’ve got support in order that we’ve got spaces where we’re in a position to share the narrative, at the very least, what our truth is,” Robinson says. Not having those spaces could lead on to unconsciously internalizing what the gaslighter is saying, especially when the negative messaging comes from someone you care about. 

Holding Space For Loved Ones Who Gaslight 

We’ve established that not all individuals who gaslight have in poor health intent or achieve this on purpose. How do you take care of gaslighting from someone who matches into that category? The reply isn’t at all times to ‘cancel’ or cut them off. Sometimes it’s to carry space, which implies extending empathy and giving them space to alter. 

Butler says that in case you’re in a relationship with people who find themselves gaslighting you and show a willingness to alter, consider exploring that. Keep in mind that self-awareness and healing are lifelong journeys; some persons are further along than others.

“In the event you were with any individual doing their work [and] they wanna have a greater relationship, then you definitely wanna make space in a relationship where each people will be seen or heard.”

Find ways to fulfill in the center and bridge the gap between differing perspectives, especially if the gaslighting stems from that. The goal must be to validate the opposite person’s experience as a substitute of attempting to persuade them concerning the experience you’re having. 

“Regardless of if we grew up in the identical house, regardless of if we’ve got the identical parents, all of us see the world another way,” she says. 

She advises against this in case you’re coping with an abusive person. She says you don’t have to take a seat around and wait for somebody not willing to acknowledge the ways their behavior is harmful.