While scrolling through social media last week, I got here across a TikTok video on Instagram via stories. The caption grabbed my short attention span–it was about how not being approached by men in a friend group can affect one’s self-esteem. 

Kristina Blake said each time she’s out along with her friends, she never gets approached by the other sex. Blake gave further background context that she had low self-esteem growing up and still has lingering negative self-talk as an adult within the video.

“It’s hard for me to imagine I’m a fairly girl once I’m out and men don’t approach me”, she said.

Her query was, how do you internalize and take care of that?

Watching that video made me feel seen and it also jogged my memory of a version of myself pre-therapy. I used to be never liked by the fellows at college (a minimum of not publicly), was picked at for being the ‘ugly dark girl’, and was often the last to get approached when out with friends. I struggled to imagine I used to be pretty because I didn’t get the validation and a focus other girls got. It might be fueled by society’s pressure to be beautiful, says Karen Balumbu-Bennett, a licensed therapist, speaker, and consultant based in Los Angeles, California.

“Research shows that while you fit into society’s standard of beauty you could have more benefits. When you are a lady who hardly or never gets approached by men when you find yourself along with your friends, it is extremely normal to feel triggered or insecure,” she tells ESSENCE.

Other feelings which will come up include feeling disliked, embarrassed, afraid, sad, alone, and even offended, says Flin Oshun, a psychotherapist at Whole Wellness Therapy in Fair Oaks, California. 

“Underneath those uncomfortable emotions could also be deeper emotions of feeling abandoned, hurt, discouraged, depressed, stressed, resentful, offended, and even jealous,” she explains. 

Those feelings of insecurity or a low self-esteem is also emotional triggers–things, events, or those who create a response in your mind and body. Triggers often direct your attention to unhealed wounds that need tending to. A few of these wounds could trace back to childhood, like lots of mine did. Being the middle of everyone’s ‘you’re so black’ jokes at college and never getting affirmed at home didn’t help my self-esteem much. Not being chosen by men also triggered that unhealed trauma. 

“Kids store memories to make use of as future references. All of us do. It’s a way our brain works to maintain us protected,” says Oshun. 

How are you going to take care of these triggers and heal the trauma so that you wholeheartedly imagine you look your best whether you get approached or not? It starts with the sometimes gruesome self-work.

“It will be significant to actually do the inner work to uncover any hidden feelings or unhealthy core beliefs chances are you’ll be holding onto,” says Balumbu-Bennett. Core beliefs I had that made me feel insecure were that I wasn’t beautiful because my nose was too big, I used to be too skinny, and my skin was too dark. I also didn’t imagine I used to be worthy of affection for those reasons. 

Balumbu-Bennett says journaling with prompts and therapy are two strategies you may try to handle any unhealthy core beliefs you could have about yourself. I attempted each and so they’ve been transformative for me. 

Oshun takes it a step further by giving practical suggestions regarding the way to journal and inquiries to ask yourself. 

“As a therapist, I’d recommend you’re taking a while to jot down a listing of things that make you currently feel unworthy or undesirable,” she suggests. “Then ask yourself ‘What beliefs are attached to those emotions?’, ‘Where did these beliefs come from?’ When did you start to imagine them? Are these beliefs kind, are they compassionate, are they helpful, are they even useful to you?” Oshun says in the event you find they aren’t kind or useful, you need to think concerning the positive beliefs you’d like to switch them with.

Know that journaling and therapy aren’t overnight fixes, so manage your expectations. I won’t pretend I don’t still feel insecure sometimes. In those moments, I show myself compassion and remember those insecure feelings are only feelings, not truth. In spite of everything, constructing confidence takes time says Balumbu-Bennett. “Be patient with yourself and keep in mind that each internal and external confidence fluctuates.”

Since there’s no quick fix to constructing self-esteem, what are you able to do to administer your triggers while you’re out with the ladies? Balumbu-Benett recommends minimizing outings with friends to guard your self-esteem until you’re employed through your insecurities. When you feel compelled to share your insecurities along with your friend circle, think concerning the end result you desire beforehand, she suggests. Tread rigorously as chances are you’ll not get the response you’re expecting from said friends. “People who find themselves in privileged situations–on this case, the girlfriends who’re all the time approached by men–don’t often realize their privilege. Your folks may minimize it or simply give attention to complimenting you in hopes of constructing you are feeling higher,” she says. And ultimately, that doesn’t fix the foundation issue, which is the inner work that should be done. 

“Confidence and great energy can have people gravitating towards you even in your “worst” day.”