Before there was Glossier’s birthday cake flavoured lip balm, there was a distinct sweet treat-inspired beauty brand on the scene.  

Allow us to take you back to April 2004, when singer, actress, reality star, designer, culinary connoisseur, and cultural icon Jessica Simpson launched Dessert Beauty by Jessica Simpson, a line of edible cosmetics, skincare, and perfumes. 

Stocked at Sephora, the range consisted of body mists, lip glosses, bubble bath, shampoos, whipped body creams (with sprinkles included, natch), perfumes, body wash, and blush – all edible and all with ridiculous names like Deliciously Kissable Belly Button Love Potion Fragrance.

Banking on Simpson’s sex appeal, despite the target market clearly being the only real demographic of young girls, Dessert Beauty was marketed in a hyper-sexualised manner more suited to flyers in a telephone booth. “Dessert girls are stuffed with sweetness and desire and so they don’t mind getting their hair a bit tousled within the name of seduction,” the press release read. “Sexy girls desire a Taste.”

Simpson and husband Nick Lachey promoted Dessert Beauty by licking themselves and each other throughout town. “Very sensual products,” Lachey told a reporter for Ryan Seacrest’s show, “which I used to be fortunate enough to find a way to taste test.” No thanks.

The reviews weren’t as sexy, nonetheless. One customer got a yeast infection from using the Butterscotch Toffee Body Wash – not sexy. Another user of the Deliciously Kissable Belly Button Love Potion Fragrance was followed in every single place by bees. Also not sexy.

After several lawsuits, the road was eventually discontinued even though it stays ceaselessly in our hearts – and on eBay. 

Nevertheless, bringing ourselves back to prelapsarian 2004, for a moment, to an episode of Newlyweds where Simpson is shooting the campaign to launch Dessert Beauty. Simpson is being shown a number of the products from the range, clearly for the primary time, and has no idea about any of them. Upon being shown the Whipped Body Cream and told it’s moisturiser, Simpson responds, “so it moisturises huh?” We then watch as Simpson poses seductively with a cupcake, progressively being forced to eat increasingly more icing until she feels so unwell she finally ends up crouched on the toilet floor eating crackers her mother brought her.

The shoot is ultimately rescheduled after Simpson spends three hours throwing up. She is then taken home where she crawls into her apartment from the elevator. Nick seems relatively unconcerned. We then cut forward and discover Simpson went to a physician where she was connected to an IV and told she had a “24-hour flu”… that or she was poisoned by her cupcake. We may never know.