As a part of a recent treatment, which may have men immediately self-combust when walking near a girl, two individuals caught fire in Goop’s Hamptons outpost last weekend. Like much of the brand’s schemes, the science has yet to be properly explained, but local police are accrediting the phenomenon to rubbing alcohol, “which had been added to candles, causing a big explosion and flames.” Unfortunately, each men’s burns were quite serious, but possibly this shouldn’t have come as a surprise on condition that Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina-scented candles have instigated house fires – much to the dismay of Elton John, who owned “so much” of them. 

The writing was on the wall. In any case, Gwyneth Paltrow, who encourages women to explore psychosomatic wellness through $2,500 Ouija boards and something called a “wand” – which, I don’t know, sounds a bit occult for a vibrator – explained to Harpers Bazaar in 2013 that “it’s what makes life interesting, finding the balance between cigarettes and tofu.” Presumably the mogul’s penchant for arson and bean curd was further fuelled by the appalling roll-back of ladies’s rights which have blighted the USA. Or perhaps men, so stuffed with poison and misogyny, just exploded on the sheer quantity of pastels and prairie dresses on offer. 

Goop has yet to comment on the blaze, however it has uploaded a photograph of some fruit on Instagram hashtagged #farmersmarketinspo alongside a recipe for “spicy” Korean chicken tacos – which, for obvious reasons, feels just a little insensitive. With next to no details on the outburst, men haven’t any option but to take the news as a PSA. Abandon hope all ye who enter Goop, and please, do NOT stand anywhere near a girl. Not now, and never ever. Within the meantime, it is likely to be price attempting to relinquish all those inner demons through sexological body work, touchless orgasms, kombucha, and the whiff of Kourtney Kardashian’s Pooshie.