Earlier this week, a slack-jawed crowd huddled outside Miu Miu’s flagship store in Central London. The shop’s vertiginous windows – normally reserved for some type of festive display – bore witness to an uncharacteristically harrowing scene. Somewhere on the second-floor, a customer’s puppy had lost its footing and nose-dived through an oxygen-starved partition within the constructing’s facade – its tiny body suspended in a dangerous gap 30-feet above the Recent Bond Street pavement. Sales clerks with high-flung ponies gawped on the dog, before lowering themselves to the ground and taking a while to roll over one another for a bit. At one point, an assistant hurried into frame with a broomstick, considering the pup might in some way find the dexterity to hoist itself to safety with its useless paws. 

That this could have taken place at Miu Miu, of all brands, makes total sense. Its clothes – as gorgeous as they could be – are also the embodiment of the word “feckless”. All impractical miniskirts, bejewelled cardigans, and dainty ballet flats, the brand has dedicated itself to good-time girls who want to decorate like they’ve never had a critical thought go through their synapses. In some ways, the shop girls were just as bewildered because the imperilled puppy itself, all of them wagging their tails in merry unison when one industrious staff member fetched a garments hanger and scooped up the dog like a guileless child hooking a duck at an easy country fair. But when there’s a blame, there’s a claim. Below, we take a while with Portia as she bravely recounts her dice with death and designer goods. 

Hi Portia, thanks for agreeing to talk with us. How are you doing?

Portia: I’m extremely traumatised but thanks a lot for reaching out, women’s stories matter. 

Are you able to tell us in regards to the day leading as much as your ordeal? What had you been doing?

Portia: I had been dragged hither and thither, carted around every shop on Bond Street. I assumed I’d discover a little bit of peace and quiet after we eventually reached the tranquillity of Miu Miu. I just didn’t expect to see my life flash before my small and quite beady eyes. 

When you’re comfortable, would you mind telling us the way you got here to be stuck within the window?

Portia: The brain tends to dam out the memories of traumatic events and I’d somewhat not be re-triggered if you happen to wouldn’t mind. But all I can say is, a ballet flat flashed into vision and I suddenly felt a thump against my ribcage…

What was going through your mind if you were stuck there, snout pressed against the glass?

Portia: Daniel, I’m well aware of the style industry’s record on animal rights – loads of my kind have fallen victim to a trim, a collar, or perhaps a yeti boot. In truth, the last item I saw before sliding down the crevice was a shearling jacket bristling with furry lapels. So naturally I entered panic mode. 

Wow. I can’t imagine what that will need to have been like. And it will need to have been made all the more serious by the individuals who were watching and filming from the road. It will need to have felt very… exposing?

Portia: I used to be mortified, it’s completely undignified to take a tumble in front of all those opportunistic tourists in Superdry jackets. Just generally degrading. 

But you were rescued – tell me in regards to the moment the coat hanger clipped onto your coat and also you realised that liberation was coming.

Portia: I used to be raging! Ultimately, the boiling lights were a welcome respite from the baltic streets of Mayfair and the crowds of disgusting Christmas shoppers. 

Did you’ve a probability to thank your rescuer?

Portia: No, I heard she spent the remainder of the evening applying anti-bacterial gel to her hands. 

In fact you’ve gone viral now. How do you’re feeling about that? Is there a way of your trauma being exploited for likes?

Portia: I’m very used to being exploited for likes, sadly. Not only does my owner run an Instagram account where I’m made out to be some hapless pooch, but earlier this 12 months I also watched Miu Miu’s Pet Psychic short film, so I’m well-accustomed to having my thoughts and feelings ventriloquised by humans. 

How are you taking good care of yourself?

Portia: Oh, I’m taking a while to emotionally recuperate and rewild, which mostly consists of sniffing piles of muck on the road. I find this helps to rebalance my inner-child. 

Has Miuccia reached out?

Portia: Not a word! I’m considering of moving into a small claim’s court but I’m undecided that can bring me much retribution. I’m practising forgiveness this Christmas. 

Thanks for sharing your story with us Portia.